Why are 5-year-olds so weird about death?

By Dr. Rachel Gall

A friend of mine posed this question after sharing that her 5-year-old son had been playing a game in which he repeatedly pretended to bury her bones. He had also been telling her and his grandparents (much to their chagrin) that they were going to die before he did!

Ah, the sweet innocence of youth.

As it turns out, it’s not unusual for children around this age to become fascinated by death. It can be unsettling for adults. But there are some important developmental reasons why death can be such a compelling topic of interest for young children.

When Fantasy Meets Reality

Early childhood is a world of imagination. Monsters are real. Unicorns are real. Kids can spend hours immersed in elaborate pretend play. They might tell you a story about how a bad guy snuck into their room in the middle of the night and made a mess, committing to the narrative with the enthusiasm of a used car salesman.

For young children, the boundaries between fantasy and reality can be blurry. They may know that they are pretending in one moment and then become convinced that something imaginary is real in the next. As children approach school age, they become increasingly able to distinguish between what is real and what is pretend. They also begin to face a new reality: some things, like death, cannot be undone.

Understanding death is a process, not a single milestone. Young children may know that someone who dies is no longer alive, without fully understanding that death is permanent and happens to everyone. Over time, they gradually develop a more complete understanding of what death means.

And that’s where things can get scary.

Wait… Everyone Dies?

Once children begin to understand that death is permanent and universal, they have a lot to contend with. Their parents will die. They will die. Everyone they love will die.

This realization can bring up fears that young children have never had to grapple with in quite the same way before. What if their parents aren't there to take care of them? What if they are left alone? What if the people they love disappear and never come back?

These are enormous ideas for a little person to wrap their mind around. So how do children begin to make sense of something so big and frightening? Through play.

Playing With What Scares Us

Play gives children a way to explore complicated ideas in a setting they can control. They can act out frightening scenarios, repeat them, change the ending, and try them again.

A child who repeatedly pretends to bury a parent might be exploring what death means, testing out the idea of losing someone, or simply finding the subject fascinating. The play doesn't necessarily mean the child is distressed. And we can't know exactly what a particular game means without understanding the child and the context.

But play can give children a way to work through feelings and ideas they don't yet have the words to explain. Repetition can also help children feel more familiar with something that initially feels strange or frightening. They get to be the director of the story, even when the subject matter is something they can't control in real life.

Of course, not all death-related play is about fear. Children are curious, imaginative, and delightfully weird. They may be exploring a new concept without feeling upset about it.

Am I Responsible for Death, Too?

There is another developmental piece to consider: young children's tendency to see the world from their own perspective.

Children are egocentric and are still developing the ability to understand other people's experiences and viewpoints. They may also believe that their thoughts, wishes, or actions have more power over the world than they actually do.

A child might worry that being angry at Grandpa caused him to get sick. Or they might believe that wishing someone were dead could actually make it happen. This feeling of omnipotence can be frightening.

But as children grow up and develop a more realistic understanding of the world, they face a different challenge: What if I can't control what happens? What if bad things happen even when I do everything right? Death brings these questions into sharp focus.

What Adults Can Do

When children bring up death, our instinct may be to change the subject, brush off the question, or offer reassurance that everything will be okay. That's understandable. We want to protect our children from frightening ideas, and we may feel uncomfortable ourselves.

But avoiding the conversation leaves children to make sense of death on their own. Euphemisms like "passing away" or "going to heaven" can create confusion if children take the words literally. Promises like "I'm not going to die anytime soon" offer a kind of certainty that no one can guarantee.

Children benefit from calm, honest, age-appropriate explanations. They need room to ask questions, express their worries, and return to the subject as their understanding develops. That doesn't mean you need to explain everything at once. A simple, truthful answer to the question your child is actually asking is often the best place to start.

And if your 5-year-old is busy burying your imaginary bones? Take a breath. You probably don't need to be alarmed. They are making sense of a big, complicated part of being human.

If your child's preoccupation with death is accompanied by persistent distress, significant changes in mood or behavior, or difficulty functioning in everyday life, a psychologist can help you understand what's happening and determine what support might be helpful. If your child talks about wanting to die or hurting themselves or someone else, take it seriously and seek professional guidance promptly. If there is an immediate safety concern, seek emergency help.

Read on for Part 2: How to Talk to 5-Year-Olds About Death