My kid is so sensitive! Part 2

By Dr. Rachel Gall

Part 2: Building Resilience in Sensitive Kids

(Before you read part two, make sure you read part one: Understanding Sensitivity)

All that sensitivity needs to be balanced with building resilience. It's a life skill to know how to cope with overwhelm, frustration, and disappointment. We want to support our children in enjoying their lives, exploring their passions, and being their best selves, rather than spending all their energy responding to emotional threats. Teaching resiliency is a big part of this, but you need your kiddo's buy-in before they'll be interested or motivated.

Step 1: Make sure your child truly knows that you delight in who they are.

Make sure your child truly knows that you delight in who they are. Like we described in Part 1, you can help your child know that you see them. Saying identity-affirming statements such as, "You feel your feelings very strongly," "I can tell that this is really important to you," and "I love that you are so passionate about this," helps your child feel seen and appreciated for who they are, especially in the midst of a strong reaction.

Step 2: Acknowledge their distress without fixing it.

Yes, these kids need skills - but they also need to have "buy-in" before you teach them. You can help your sensitive child make the connection between their distress and the need to build skills by reflecting that they are in pain. They need to be able to hear what you have to offer, and to do that, they need to feel emotionally regulated.

Asking your child questions about how they feel, or trying to create a "teachable moment," can often backfire. Instead, use declarative language: statements of observation, thought, or feeling. "You feel frustrated." "It's hard to not know how to fix this." "I'm noticing that you're asking the same question over and over again." "Your body looks tense."

Seeing ourselves reflected in another person creates a sense of safety, authenticity, and being "seen." This helps our nervous systems move from a fight/flight/freeze response to emotional regulation. When we feel more regulated, we are able to learn.

Step 3: Talk "around" the coping skill.

Be indirect:

Sensitive kids can be especially shame-based - when they hear feedback, they often interpret this to mean they are in trouble or that they're doing something wrong. They can come down hard on themselves or lash out. Giving direct feedback can feel like a criticism or demand, and lead to defensiveness, reactivity, or withdrawal. Instead, talk about yourself, a friend, or a famous person who has gone through challenges. Talk about what it was like for you emotionally, how you worked on resilience, and how you overcame the challenge.

Use metaphors and stories:

Ducks have hydrophobic feathers that allow water to bead up and roll off them. Trees have giant roots that allow them to weather the storm. Read stories and watch movies of people using their sensitivity as a strength, as well as developing their resilience. Stories don't always have to have a happy ending - sometimes the message is, "This stuff is hard, and we can get through it together."

Make your inner dialog overt:

Model self-compassion by talking to yourself out loud. "I let an email slip through the cracks at work, and my boss let me know. Ouch. I couldn't focus on my work after that, so I decided to go outside and sit in the sun for a few minutes. I felt so embarrassed at first, but I also realized that everybody makes mistakes and this was just an email. Expecting myself to catch every single email seems like a pretty unattainable standard!"

Teach conflict resolution:

Sensitive kids often bail on conflict before they have a chance to resolve it. They might be hotheaded and quick to react, or they may burst into tears at the slightest hint of being disliked or thinking someone is mad at them. Children need to learn to tolerate short-term discomfort in the service of resolving conflict. See How to Be Your Kids' Conflict Resolution Coach for a step-by-step guide.

Talk about the connection between avoidance and risk-taking:

The more we avoid our feelings of anxiety, upset, and shame, the less confident we feel. Avoidance can look like defensiveness, immobilization, procrastination, fatigue, or channeling energy into something else. When we face our discomfort, we are courageous. When we take action, it builds confidence. When we do something hard, we put that experience in the "bank" and can draw upon our resilience in the future. Sometimes we need to start with one small thing - pick up one sock and put it in the laundry basket. Call and make that appointment you've been avoiding. Wiggle your toes if it's hard to get up off the couch. No moment is too small to feel brave and to face the thing we've been avoiding.