My kid is so sensitive! Part 1
Dr. Rachel Gall
Part 1: Understanding Sensitivity
You have a sensitive kid. Intuitive and deeply emotional, they see the beauty and the anguish of the universe and feel it as if it were their own. These are kids who have nightmares after remembering a scary movie they watched three years ago, who scream in pain after someone bumps into them, and who sob after seeing a dead bug. These are also kids who can immerse themselves in a Lego build for seven hours without realizing they need food or water, who organize bake sales for world hunger, and who write poetry that could rival Pushkin. Sound familiar?
Sometimes it can be hard to just get through the day. You may find yourself walking on eggshells wondering if you can ask them to put their shoes on this morning without a meltdown. You may worry that your gentle and snuggly kid will haul off and smack their sibling for breathing on them. They can be confusing because they don't respond to encouragement or consequences, and they don't want to talk about their feelings. These are kids who can be hard to parent.
Predisposition to Intensity
Dr. Kazimierz Dąbrowski's (1964) theory of overexcitability provides a helpful framework. His theory suggests that some individuals are predisposed to experience life more intensely. This predisposition toward intense inner experiences can create anguish and crisis, but can also enrich a person's life with depth, meaning, passion, and self-awareness.
Dąbrowski presented five areas of "overexcitability":
Psychomotor: A love of movement for movement's sake - people who love intense exercise, talk rapidly, or who seem driven by a motor (sound familiar?). These are people who need constant movement in their lives.
Sensory: A heightened sensitivity to the senses including tastes, smells, sounds, textures and sights. They may be sensory seekers or sensory avoiders. These are people who need to have the right kind of sensory input to feel regulated.
Intellectual: A heightened need for knowledge, intense intellectual effort, analysis, and meaning. They may be deeply ethical and sensitive to issues of fairness and equity. These are people who feel fulfilled by taking a "deep dive" into a complex topic.
Imaginational: A heightened sense of imagination, creativity, fantasy, and storytelling. They may look like they are "zoning out" and may mix truth with fiction to invent complex worlds. These are people who need time to develop their stories, inventions, and fantasies.
Emotional: A heightened sensitivity to emotion, which brings a depth and intensity of feeling, extreme displays of emotion, and a remarkable capacity for self-awareness, empathy, and connection with others. These people need others to take their emotions seriously and to have healthy outlets for their emotional expression.
Some people may have only one area of overexcitability, while others may have all five.
In current-day terms, we might call overexcitability "neurodivergence" - an understanding that natural diversity exists in the ways our brains process information and see the world. "Overexcitable" people tend to be children that we might label as autistic, ADHD, gifted, deeply feeling, or have learning disabilities - but not necessarily. Sometimes there's no label other than "sensitive." Learning how to parent sensitive kids means finding a balance between honoring their sensitivity and building resilience.
Honoring Their Identity
Sensitive kids are always going to be sensitive. No amount of "toughening them up" or "building character" will change how they're wired. Honoring their sensitivity means helping them understand this side of themselves, what drives them, and what they need. Often, these children need more quiet time, more alone time, more snuggle time, and more time for independent, creative play. These are children who need to know that they are loved, not despite, but because of their sensitivity - to feel that the adults around them respect, nurture, and delight in who they are.
These are children whose sensitivity needs to be accommodated. They need to build time into the day to experience the intensity of their lives. Their window of tolerance is narrower. They react more quickly, they recover more slowly, they need more transition time, and they need time to have their reactions. It is exhausting to be so sensitive, and it can take a toll on the physical, spiritual, and psychological health of children. It takes time and energy to get stirred up so often, to go through the rollercoaster of emotions, and to spend time recovering.
And... these children also need to build resilience to be able to effectively manage their daily lives. Read part two to learn how!