By Dr. Rachel Gall
Before you start, read Part 1: Why Are 5-Year-Olds So Weird About Death?
Now that we understand a little more about how young children make sense of death, let's talk about what to do when their questions come up. Often, these questions arrive when you least expect them: in the car, at bedtime, or while you're trying to get dinner on the table.
Here are four ways to respond that can help your child make sense of death while giving them room to be curious, confused, or scared.
Technique 1: Use developmentally appropriate language
As we discussed in Part 1, euphemisms about death can feel comforting to adults but confusing to children. Saying that someone has "gone to sleep" might leave a child wondering whether sleeping is dangerous. Saying that someone has "gone to heaven" might make them wonder when that person is coming back for a visit.
Instead, use simple, concrete language to explain what death means.
You might say: "Death means a person's body has stopped working. They don't breathe, eat, drink, talk, think, or play anymore. Their body doesn't feel pain, and it can't start working again."
You don't need to explain everything about death in one conversation. Your goal is to give your child a clear, basic understanding that they can build on as they get older.
Technique 2: Answer the question simply, then stop talking
Children's questions about death can feel direct, irreverent, and downright morbid. They may ask things that make you uncomfortable or catch you completely off guard.
Your job isn't to anticipate every question or give a comprehensive explanation of death. It's to answer the question your child actually asked, using simple language, and trust that they'll ask follow-up questions if they want to know more.
Here are some common questions and ways you might respond.
"Do worms eat the body?"
"Yes. Worms and other tiny living things help break down the body over time. The body becomes part of the earth again."
"What would happen to me if you died?"
"Someone who loves you very much would take care of you. The grownups in your life have made a plan for who would take care of you."
"Will you die? Will I die?"
"Yes. All living things die eventually. Most people live until they're very old, and I expect we'll both live for a long time, too."
"Do kids die?"
"Yes, sometimes children die, but it's much less common than people dying when they're old. Most children grow up and live for a very long time."
"Grandma died because she got sick. I'm sick. Am I going to die?"
"Being sick doesn't usually mean you're going to die. Most of the time, when people get sick, their bodies get better. Sometimes, people get so sick that their bodies can't get better, and they die. Let's talk about how you're feeling and what we know about your sickness."
"What's it like to die?"
"I don't know exactly what it's like to be dead. When someone dies, their body stops working, so they can't tell us what being dead is like."
Depending on your child's question, you might also talk about what happens when someone's body is dying, such as when a person is very old or has a serious illness.
"What is murder?"
"Murder is when someone kills another person on purpose. That means they cause another person's body to stop working and die."
You can keep the explanation brief unless your child wants to know more. If they've heard about a murder in the news or in their community, they may also need help understanding whether they are safe.
"Where do dead people go?"
This is a beautiful opportunity to share your family's beliefs and traditions. You might explain burial or cremation, talk about your beliefs about God or the soul, or discuss what it means to remember someone after they die.
You can also acknowledge that people have different beliefs about what happens after death. You don't have to pretend to know something you don't know.
The important thing is to give your child an answer that is honest, understandable, and consistent with your family's beliefs.
Technique 3: Connect death with birth and the life cycle
One of the sweetest experiences of parenting is retelling the story of your child's birth. My own children never seem to get tired of hearing the story of how they came to be.
Birth and death are part of the same larger story: the life cycle.
Talking about birth, growth, aging, and death can help children understand death as part of the world around them. You might talk about the life cycle of a tree in your neighborhood, remember a family pet who died, welcome a new baby, or notice how an elderly grandparent has changed over time. These everyday experiences offer natural opportunities to talk about how living things change throughout their lives.
You can also help your child understand that death doesn't always happen at the same point in the life cycle. Most people live into old age, but sometimes people die when they're young. When that happens, it can feel especially confusing and unfair.
The goal isn't to convince your child that death is always predictable or easy to accept. It's to help them develop a framework for understanding it, one conversation at a time.
Technique 4: Join them in their play
Before you jump into your child's death-related play, take a moment to check in with yourself.
How do you feel about death? Does the subject make you anxious? Do you find yourself wanting to change the subject? Does it bring up memories of people you've lost or fears about your own mortality?
Our own feelings about death can shape the way we respond to our children. If we're uncomfortable, we may shut down their questions, rush to reassure them, or assume that their play is more frightening than it actually is.
It's worth making room for your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about death so that you can stay curious about your child's experience rather than projecting your own onto them. If death is a particularly painful subject for you, therapy can be a helpful place to explore it. Irvin Yalom's Staring at the Sun is also a wonderful starting point for thinking about our relationship with our own mortality.
Now, remember my friend from Part 1, whose 5-year-old son kept playing a game in which he buried her bones?
What would it look like for her to join him in that play?
She might get buried over and over again. He might ask her to stick out her tongue and pretend she's dead. She might be reincarnated as a zombie or a ghost. All of these possibilities can be part of ordinary imaginative play. She might even narrate what's happening: "Oh no! I'm dead. My body has stopped working. I can't eat or sleep anymore!"
She doesn't have to turn the game into a lesson about death. She can follow his lead, see where the story goes, and let him experiment with the ideas that interest him.
And she might discover that there's something surprisingly freeing about letting go of social conventions for a while and immersing herself in a dramatic world of danger, separation, death, and rebirth.
One important caveat: Joining your child's play doesn't mean assuming you know what it means. Pay attention to how your child responds, let them direct the story, and stay curious. If the play seems to be causing significant distress or is accompanied by other concerning changes, you can gently explore what's happening and seek professional guidance if needed.
Death is a big subject, and children don't figure it all out in one conversation. They return to it as their understanding grows. Our job isn't to eliminate every fear or have the perfect answer. It's to make death something they can ask about, think about, and talk about with the people they trust.
Sometimes that means having a heartfelt conversation. Sometimes it means answering a question about worms while you're making dinner. And sometimes it means getting buried for the fifteenth time just before bedtime.
All of that can be part of helping a child make sense of being alive.
When to seek support: Talking about death or playing games about dying doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. However, if your child talks about wanting to die, hurting themselves, or hurting someone else, take it seriously rather than assuming it's just a phase. Ask calm, direct questions about what they mean, stay with them if you have concerns about their immediate safety, and seek professional guidance. If you believe your child is in immediate danger, seek emergency help.